Gone

            Is it that there will be another homecoming in 3 weeks, or that I am getting used to the changes to our family dynamic, or other transitions that have left me temporarily numb? Whatever “it” is, I am enjoying the lack of emotion for the time being.  

            Don’t call in the professionals, please.  It’s not that I don’t feel.  I find laughter and joy in the day to day.  We are preparing for the holidays with decorating, shopping, and a little extra cleaning.  I share the excitement with our middle schoolers around their upcoming dance performance.   The cats are cuddling more as it gets colder.  On the other hand, I get angry, mostly at  injustice.  It might be a stupid driver.  Pretty typical, right?

            And, so I ponder the ruminations of the last weeks.

            Thanksgiving was a gift that still satiates.  Each year we are able to gather at my mom and dad’s  is a gift, more precious than the previous year.   It was especially joyous this year as  we have been in San Diego the last three years for some great soccer.  But, it just isn’t the same without mom’s stuffing or over-feeding everyone who happens to show up.  The short time our family spent together filled up the tank to sustain me through the next three weeks. 

            How selfish, as my life keeps moving forward at a relatively steady pace while Christian faces his first round of pretty rigorous college finals.  Hopefully, his tank is full, too.  Then, he can focus on the task at hand.

            Other changes include the shift in our family dynamic with one less person in the house.  Certainly missed for his daily presence, quick sense of humor, and ever-ready math and science tutoring that I am incapable of.  Also, missed as each of us left has to do a little bit more.  We have temporarily lost our bank of drivers when he and his friends moved away.  I am begrudgingly back in the chauffeur’s seat.  The balance is that each of us has more time for the other.

            Other changes that I am not at liberty to discuss with great detail, have come on fast.  It is the acceleration of an event I have given great thought to but was fairly certain would not happen for another few years.  Well wishes are in order and adaptations will occur. 

            Reflecting on the past two weeks, I am still not certain if the grieving process has moved to acceptance or if the added transition has simply left me numb.  The optimist in me wants to think that the lack of feeling is movement in the forward direction.  The pessimist observes that it might just be the calm before the storm.  For now, you will find me basking in the between time.   For now, feeling, like my first-born, seems to be gone.

Wow, Surprisingly, It’s Not Really That Bad: Viewpoint after a lovely visit

Good friends

Funny

Like-minded

Motivated

Full and bright futures

Sprinkled 

Here and there

BIG family

Like all families

Just “yours”

Supportive

Wanting and expecting the best

Problem solvers

Meddlers

Laugh

Listen and learn

Speak and teach

Love

Travels

Lots of here and there

Not much in between

Except from the air

California, Nevada, Arizona, Colorado, New Mexico

Texas, Louisiana, Arkansas, Tennessee, Kentucky, Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania, New Jersey

For now

Capitalize on the time

            you are where you are

Creative thinking

Forced into action

Growing pains

Utilizing all of your resources

Creating new ones

Owning your process

So much to be thankful for

Recognizing trust

Pride

Letting go

            while holding on

Just a bit

The Whirlwind

Planning finite details
Kinetic anticipation
Finally, on-time arrival
Time and space meet
Hugs, tears, and smiles
Story swap
Live reconnection
	Favorites honored
	Wiggly, cuddly pets
	Family and friends reunite
	Hugs, hand-shakes, shoulder claps, back pats
	Laughter that illuminates the room
	Pictures try to capture each and every precious moment
	Peeking in as you sleep  in your bed
	Together strategizing a successful forward move
	Gravity of finals prevail
	Gentle push and pull of speed parenting
	Confidence and pride
	Loving omni-presence
		Winding down
		Trying to fill every space
		Understanding limitations
		Pushing the cloud of sadness away, not to envelope our time
		Hugs, tears, and well-wishes
		Departure to our new lives

♥ Thanksgiving Blessings ♥

May you all hold the large half of the wishbone, 
May your hearts feel more full than your belly, 
May you giggle and hug all day, 
May you feel blessed all year long! 
♥ Let our gratefulness spill from our hearts out into the world ♥

The Art of Procrastination

I am not proud.  It certainly seems that our college student has had extraordinary modeling for the art of procrastinating.  Understand that my form of procrastination may not resemble laziness.  Honestly, I  find many things to do that are not on the worst-first, numbered "To Do" list.  So, it might not be so much in the not-doing; just not doing what is deemed the most important task at the time. (I pause to pose the question, "Who decides what is the most important task within a particular moment?") In addition, I am an eternal optimist who knows things work out really well in the end.

Perhaps I justify my procrastination by rationalizing that I perform well under pressure.  Ten page papers done at the last minute during college that received high marks.  Hustling quickly through the house to tidy up before "company comes". You name it!  Things always get done and, generally, well!  Perhaps better than it would have been done had I done it before the imposed or perceived deadline.  No wonder I have given so much time to this topic!

Take this latest post, for example.  Not surprisingly, it has been brewing for some time.  In it's crafting, I have to side step a surprise.  The distraction of not telling the whole story has thrust me into what resembles a holding pattern above O'Hare Airport in the winter time.  My thoughts are whirling around and around and not grounding at all.

It's driving me nuts.  My excited energy resembles bees hovering around a hive.  Man, they look busy but, to the onlooker, are not quite on target.  Another barrier to getting a job done.  Full disclosure is my usual method and withholding information is close to dishonesty in my book of values.  So, procrastination kicks in and rears its evasive head as I sit to write and reflect.

(Beware- I now switch to the past tense in some instances.)

Fast forward about three days to a post-Thanksgiving food hangover.  The surprise visit went off with lovely results.  Breathe...  Focus...  Ahhh, time to sit down and get serious about writing this post. A sure bonus of putting this off is I am fresh with information on the art of procrastinating within my family of origin.  My (older) brother and I had quite the conversation about our distractibility with comments flying and examples given from both of our spouses and parents alike.  Thankfully, the giggles from our offspring kept the conversation playful.  Beneath the laughter, I wondered if they were quietly reflecting on their own habits and nervously recognizing a pattern encased in their DNA?  Time will tell.

How about shifting between the big picture and the details?  Others are often surprised at the detail with which I can disaggregate a situation, zooming from the whole to the part and back out again.  Consequence or gift?  Some view procrastinators as excuse-ridden.  I like to think it is because of this micro/macro viewpoint that reasons for what looks like waiting or putting off are abundant.

So, nature vs. nurture.  Our optimistic college student is battling both.   Probably not consciously.  Just fighting the good fight. Making lists- actual or mental. Trying his hardest to find his own way and make the habit of procrastination work in the real world successfully.

Wise Decisions

Anytime I am going to something where I know I am sure to get misty-eyed, I don waterproof mascara.  Weddings, funerals, dance shows, art exhibits, baby showers.  You name it.  My emotions spill.  Boy, has the college exodus put that mascara to the test.

This one particular brand of waterproof mascara has been very reliable and held up admirably to a variety of challenges.  Until now!   Under extreme conditions, it does not perform well at all. I had hoped it would.  But, no.

There was a time recently that I completely gave up on any mascara.  A temporary sacrifice but what a time-saver.  I considered the monetary savings and started to fantasize.  All that ended abruptly when folks would ask me, "How are you holding up with your beloved son 3,000 miles and 3 time zones away, living on a campus you did not even visit with him during the decision-making process?"  Now, I make time for mascara no matter what.  I even carry it with me for a quick "fresh-up".

That's what I did yesterday.  Ready to put my make-up on, I burst into tears.  I don't remember the thoughts that preceded the outburst.  It might have just been spontaneous.  Then, it was gone.  Dry-eyed, I proceeded to apply my social mask so my friend and I could take our girls shopping.  That was a true act of motherly love as mall shopping is something I do only as often as my semi-annual visit to the dentist.  I look forward to both with equal disdain but understand their necessity and shopping would definitely help stimulate the economy in a small, I-have-to-remember-Spring-tuition kind of way.

Getting to spend time with the girl + her friends and my friend was inviting regardless of the venue.  So, off on our adventure we all went.  Being a passenger was a welcomed position to be in as I shed my chauffeur's hat and nestled into the comfy seats.  My friend and I caught up quickly and easily.  Soon, the topic turned to our boys. Young men, really.  But, they go way back.  All the way to preschool and through high school.  Legos, soccer, physics, video games.  So, we have known them longer as boys than young men.  Anyway...

I listened attentively to her stories of her son who is a sophomore at a college five or so hours away.  Since I didn't listen well before when moms were offering their stories on the subject, I moved to the edge of my seat to prepare to fully engage and store the information for later use.  What came out of her mouth next astonished me.  My jaw dropped.  My eyebrows arched.  You could hear the quick intake of my breath. She admitted to never having cried once since her son left.  Could it be?  I fantasized about the day when I wouldn't cry. Just one day.

After my initial thought of throwing my waterproof mascara at her, I reveled in having found the opposite swing to my pendulum.  How interesting that each of us walks this path so individually.  As parents, it is an inevitability to watch our children fly the nest.   The bittersweetness of helping your children grow up with confidence is that they want to move on with their lives.  We all simply respond to this event differently. Just like our kids.

So, this morning, I took a deep breath. Fumbling through my make-up bag, I pushed right past the waterproof stuff.  If my son can risk moving so far away, I can risk the possibility of runny mascara for a day.  So far, so good!

Looking Back, Looking Forward- A Farewell Poem

Looking back, Looking forward

So many memories

Fill my heart, mind, and soul

With few regrets along the way

House, holidays, hollering, happenstance

Our meager home will always be your home

Trying to change the retail/UPS pattern of holiday dread

(A few traditions prevailed-Following the string to your stocking, hunting for your Easter basket, “Happy Birthday” banner)

Thank goodness grandma likes to cook and throw a party

Thinking back to all the times I could have been more patient

Wishing we had saved more money

It generally revolved wanting more for you

Gymnastics training and traveling to meets

Stellar, RSG, GCG… Mommy & Me, Compulsory, Optional

Soccer from the time you were four

Mighty Dolphins, Thunderbolts, Storm, Knights, Blues, Placer United, ODP, CDA

Some really good memories and friends

School volunteer and homework “hounder”

Bell Hill, GVCS, Nevada Union

(You didn’t need much of that really)

Friends who are treasures to me, too

You are a pretty good judge of character

Who can appreciate faulted people

That’s your compassionate, idealistic, loyal self

Chauffeuring many hours, many places

Once, bringing you right back home

Did I do enough?

Material possessions advertised on TV

Or what your friends had

In moderation- mostly, we had to

It’s an acceptable thing that life didn’t allow for more

You would definitely have been overindulged

Need vs. want

What is “having it all”?

iPods from most every generation

Clothes that you felt good in

The neatest and newest soccer gear that rocked the grocery budget

Travel to some states you now know you don’t need to go back to

More air miles than the rest of us

In ‘n Out- sometimes twice a week. 

Number 1, Animal-style, no tomato.

Extra spread, please

Did I give you enough?

Listening, or trying to, before interjecting

Talking on the way to school or training

These are precious times to me

Sorry for the times you were a captive audience and  it was not “pleasant”- aka “Time for a Tirade”

And, not, since we talked through problems together

Laughing at randomly and genuinely funny things

Questioning to gain understanding before I got p.o’ed

Supporting and pushing- a fine line

Reading to you when you were young, papers as you got older

Editing your fabulous writing

Guiding and guarding your precious spirit

Always wanting the best for you in a million ways

Non-wavering high expectations

Always here to support you

Was I there for you enough?

So proud of who you are

Perseverant from the start

(That almost got you kicked out of childcare)

Compassionate

Humble intelligence

Full of wonderful ideas

Your sense of humor is easy and deep

A natural ease that can be misconstrued as complacence

Did I compliment you enough?

Sending you out into the world

Missing you in the mundane, day-in, day-out stuff of life

Feeling the bitter sweetness of this moment

A soft place to land when the fall is hard

Did I love you enough?

Now

Looking forward

As more of a by-stander, spectator

Than is natural for me

Your life blossoms

Sweet and new and full

Breathe it all in

Let it fill you

Expand who you are to become

Live your best life

With few regrets

And lots of love

Pass it on!

Ninja Cat

Christian has a special relationship with our cat, Ollie.  In some way, they must match energetically.  Both male, sensitive to their surroundings, quick-witted, and lithe.  Perhaps it is a similarity in age.  Appreciative of a hug every once in a while.  Mostly, let them be to their own life adventures.

Yesterday was the first day since Christian left for school that Ollie and our Springer Spaniel, Roxy, played a game we call, "Ninja Cat".  It is rough and tumble, with Ollie jumping off of any available surface, twisting, turning, using the dog as a springboard.  Imagine The Matrix meeting the feline/canine world head-on. So funny to watch these two unlikely friends play so joyfully.

It will be interesting when Christian comes home for Christmas.  Everytime we Skype, we have him call to the pets (Have you ever realized that "pets" and "pest" have the same letters in them?).  Roxy perks up her ears and looks around, a bit confused.  Ollie, true to his cat-ness, turns his head in seeming disinterest and disdain.  I think he is listening and just plain mad at his buddy for leaving.

Relationships- moving, flowing, bouncing, rebounding, playful.  How very similar to Ninja Cat.

16 Weeks and Counting

Sure, it's been sixteen weeks.  A lifetime for some species that share our planet.  It certainly feels like a lifetime when the day in and day out mundane is missing.  Not the big events I can't even imagine sharing from afar (like Thanksgiving...erg!), just sitting on the couch watching a corny movie or driving to soccer training together 2 or 3 times a week.  That is what I miss the most, your physical presence.   Skype, texting, email, Facebook- all ways to feel connected.  Virtual hugs just don't do it! A panacea for the psyche.

The void doesn't always feel so abysmal.  My career is fulfilling and challenging and full of laughter.  Our younger daughter is still home, practicing stretching her wings.  Life's daily distractions.  The quiet time calls forth tears, flowing freely.  Gut-wrenching pain, at times.  Then, as swiftly as it comes on, it passes but is waiting right around the corner for the next quiet moment.

There have been wonderful visits.  Lovely visits getting to know his "new" friends and all.  Bittersweet, as the farewells loom from the start.  Too little time together.  Logically knowing it is the natural order of life.  Yet, grasping for just a moment or two longer.  Trying to stay present and appreciative.  An emotional ping pong match.

Perhaps I didn't pay attention to what other parents were saying as their children left home.  Rationalizing that it didn't apply to my life.  Man, I should have paid attention.  Would it hurt less now if I had tried to find understanding through others' stories?  Perhaps.  Yet, when they suggest it will get better, I still wonder?  When will it get easier?  Sixteen weeks and counting...