Is it that there will be another homecoming in 3 weeks, or that I am getting used to the changes to our family dynamic, or other transitions that have left me temporarily numb? Whatever “it” is, I am enjoying the lack of emotion for the time being.
Don’t call in the professionals, please. It’s not that I don’t feel. I find laughter and joy in the day to day. We are preparing for the holidays with decorating, shopping, and a little extra cleaning. I share the excitement with our middle schoolers around their upcoming dance performance. The cats are cuddling more as it gets colder. On the other hand, I get angry, mostly at injustice. It might be a stupid driver. Pretty typical, right?
And, so I ponder the ruminations of the last weeks.
Thanksgiving was a gift that still satiates. Each year we are able to gather at my mom and dad’s is a gift, more precious than the previous year. It was especially joyous this year as we have been in San Diego the last three years for some great soccer. But, it just isn’t the same without mom’s stuffing or over-feeding everyone who happens to show up. The short time our family spent together filled up the tank to sustain me through the next three weeks.
How selfish, as my life keeps moving forward at a relatively steady pace while Christian faces his first round of pretty rigorous college finals. Hopefully, his tank is full, too. Then, he can focus on the task at hand.
Other changes include the shift in our family dynamic with one less person in the house. Certainly missed for his daily presence, quick sense of humor, and ever-ready math and science tutoring that I am incapable of. Also, missed as each of us left has to do a little bit more. We have temporarily lost our bank of drivers when he and his friends moved away. I am begrudgingly back in the chauffeur’s seat. The balance is that each of us has more time for the other.
Other changes that I am not at liberty to discuss with great detail, have come on fast. It is the acceleration of an event I have given great thought to but was fairly certain would not happen for another few years. Well wishes are in order and adaptations will occur.
Reflecting on the past two weeks, I am still not certain if the grieving process has moved to acceptance or if the added transition has simply left me numb. The optimist in me wants to think that the lack of feeling is movement in the forward direction. The pessimist observes that it might just be the calm before the storm. For now, you will find me basking in the between time. For now, feeling, like my first-born, seems to be gone.
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