Resting in Memory

Staying in the moment

Not wanting to move forward

Relishing

Resisting reality

Resting in memory

Recognition

You are more than I remembered

Better

Deeper

More connected

Understanding the importance of presence

I want to stay here

In this moment

With pieces of you left lying around

Your robe comforts me

Like an authentic hug

Loving

Strong

Yet

Ultimately, letting go

Moving forward

With the past

Love

Buoying you

And us alike

How does absence, distance

Make a relationship stronger

Space

Allowing us to become more

Of who we are

To gather

Once again

Recognizing the greatness

Connection

Bridging space and time

On toward February

Gone

            Is it that there will be another homecoming in 3 weeks, or that I am getting used to the changes to our family dynamic, or other transitions that have left me temporarily numb? Whatever “it” is, I am enjoying the lack of emotion for the time being.  

            Don’t call in the professionals, please.  It’s not that I don’t feel.  I find laughter and joy in the day to day.  We are preparing for the holidays with decorating, shopping, and a little extra cleaning.  I share the excitement with our middle schoolers around their upcoming dance performance.   The cats are cuddling more as it gets colder.  On the other hand, I get angry, mostly at  injustice.  It might be a stupid driver.  Pretty typical, right?

            And, so I ponder the ruminations of the last weeks.

            Thanksgiving was a gift that still satiates.  Each year we are able to gather at my mom and dad’s  is a gift, more precious than the previous year.   It was especially joyous this year as  we have been in San Diego the last three years for some great soccer.  But, it just isn’t the same without mom’s stuffing or over-feeding everyone who happens to show up.  The short time our family spent together filled up the tank to sustain me through the next three weeks. 

            How selfish, as my life keeps moving forward at a relatively steady pace while Christian faces his first round of pretty rigorous college finals.  Hopefully, his tank is full, too.  Then, he can focus on the task at hand.

            Other changes include the shift in our family dynamic with one less person in the house.  Certainly missed for his daily presence, quick sense of humor, and ever-ready math and science tutoring that I am incapable of.  Also, missed as each of us left has to do a little bit more.  We have temporarily lost our bank of drivers when he and his friends moved away.  I am begrudgingly back in the chauffeur’s seat.  The balance is that each of us has more time for the other.

            Other changes that I am not at liberty to discuss with great detail, have come on fast.  It is the acceleration of an event I have given great thought to but was fairly certain would not happen for another few years.  Well wishes are in order and adaptations will occur. 

            Reflecting on the past two weeks, I am still not certain if the grieving process has moved to acceptance or if the added transition has simply left me numb.  The optimist in me wants to think that the lack of feeling is movement in the forward direction.  The pessimist observes that it might just be the calm before the storm.  For now, you will find me basking in the between time.   For now, feeling, like my first-born, seems to be gone.

Wow, Surprisingly, It’s Not Really That Bad: Viewpoint after a lovely visit

Good friends

Funny

Like-minded

Motivated

Full and bright futures

Sprinkled 

Here and there

BIG family

Like all families

Just “yours”

Supportive

Wanting and expecting the best

Problem solvers

Meddlers

Laugh

Listen and learn

Speak and teach

Love

Travels

Lots of here and there

Not much in between

Except from the air

California, Nevada, Arizona, Colorado, New Mexico

Texas, Louisiana, Arkansas, Tennessee, Kentucky, Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania, New Jersey

For now

Capitalize on the time

            you are where you are

Creative thinking

Forced into action

Growing pains

Utilizing all of your resources

Creating new ones

Owning your process

So much to be thankful for

Recognizing trust

Pride

Letting go

            while holding on

Just a bit

The Whirlwind

Planning finite details
Kinetic anticipation
Finally, on-time arrival
Time and space meet
Hugs, tears, and smiles
Story swap
Live reconnection
	Favorites honored
	Wiggly, cuddly pets
	Family and friends reunite
	Hugs, hand-shakes, shoulder claps, back pats
	Laughter that illuminates the room
	Pictures try to capture each and every precious moment
	Peeking in as you sleep  in your bed
	Together strategizing a successful forward move
	Gravity of finals prevail
	Gentle push and pull of speed parenting
	Confidence and pride
	Loving omni-presence
		Winding down
		Trying to fill every space
		Understanding limitations
		Pushing the cloud of sadness away, not to envelope our time
		Hugs, tears, and well-wishes
		Departure to our new lives

♥ Thanksgiving Blessings ♥

May you all hold the large half of the wishbone, 
May your hearts feel more full than your belly, 
May you giggle and hug all day, 
May you feel blessed all year long! 
♥ Let our gratefulness spill from our hearts out into the world ♥

The Art of Procrastination

I am not proud.  It certainly seems that our college student has had extraordinary modeling for the art of procrastinating.  Understand that my form of procrastination may not resemble laziness.  Honestly, I  find many things to do that are not on the worst-first, numbered "To Do" list.  So, it might not be so much in the not-doing; just not doing what is deemed the most important task at the time. (I pause to pose the question, "Who decides what is the most important task within a particular moment?") In addition, I am an eternal optimist who knows things work out really well in the end.

Perhaps I justify my procrastination by rationalizing that I perform well under pressure.  Ten page papers done at the last minute during college that received high marks.  Hustling quickly through the house to tidy up before "company comes". You name it!  Things always get done and, generally, well!  Perhaps better than it would have been done had I done it before the imposed or perceived deadline.  No wonder I have given so much time to this topic!

Take this latest post, for example.  Not surprisingly, it has been brewing for some time.  In it's crafting, I have to side step a surprise.  The distraction of not telling the whole story has thrust me into what resembles a holding pattern above O'Hare Airport in the winter time.  My thoughts are whirling around and around and not grounding at all.

It's driving me nuts.  My excited energy resembles bees hovering around a hive.  Man, they look busy but, to the onlooker, are not quite on target.  Another barrier to getting a job done.  Full disclosure is my usual method and withholding information is close to dishonesty in my book of values.  So, procrastination kicks in and rears its evasive head as I sit to write and reflect.

(Beware- I now switch to the past tense in some instances.)

Fast forward about three days to a post-Thanksgiving food hangover.  The surprise visit went off with lovely results.  Breathe...  Focus...  Ahhh, time to sit down and get serious about writing this post. A sure bonus of putting this off is I am fresh with information on the art of procrastinating within my family of origin.  My (older) brother and I had quite the conversation about our distractibility with comments flying and examples given from both of our spouses and parents alike.  Thankfully, the giggles from our offspring kept the conversation playful.  Beneath the laughter, I wondered if they were quietly reflecting on their own habits and nervously recognizing a pattern encased in their DNA?  Time will tell.

How about shifting between the big picture and the details?  Others are often surprised at the detail with which I can disaggregate a situation, zooming from the whole to the part and back out again.  Consequence or gift?  Some view procrastinators as excuse-ridden.  I like to think it is because of this micro/macro viewpoint that reasons for what looks like waiting or putting off are abundant.

So, nature vs. nurture.  Our optimistic college student is battling both.   Probably not consciously.  Just fighting the good fight. Making lists- actual or mental. Trying his hardest to find his own way and make the habit of procrastination work in the real world successfully.

Wise Decisions

Anytime I am going to something where I know I am sure to get misty-eyed, I don waterproof mascara.  Weddings, funerals, dance shows, art exhibits, baby showers.  You name it.  My emotions spill.  Boy, has the college exodus put that mascara to the test.

This one particular brand of waterproof mascara has been very reliable and held up admirably to a variety of challenges.  Until now!   Under extreme conditions, it does not perform well at all. I had hoped it would.  But, no.

There was a time recently that I completely gave up on any mascara.  A temporary sacrifice but what a time-saver.  I considered the monetary savings and started to fantasize.  All that ended abruptly when folks would ask me, "How are you holding up with your beloved son 3,000 miles and 3 time zones away, living on a campus you did not even visit with him during the decision-making process?"  Now, I make time for mascara no matter what.  I even carry it with me for a quick "fresh-up".

That's what I did yesterday.  Ready to put my make-up on, I burst into tears.  I don't remember the thoughts that preceded the outburst.  It might have just been spontaneous.  Then, it was gone.  Dry-eyed, I proceeded to apply my social mask so my friend and I could take our girls shopping.  That was a true act of motherly love as mall shopping is something I do only as often as my semi-annual visit to the dentist.  I look forward to both with equal disdain but understand their necessity and shopping would definitely help stimulate the economy in a small, I-have-to-remember-Spring-tuition kind of way.

Getting to spend time with the girl + her friends and my friend was inviting regardless of the venue.  So, off on our adventure we all went.  Being a passenger was a welcomed position to be in as I shed my chauffeur's hat and nestled into the comfy seats.  My friend and I caught up quickly and easily.  Soon, the topic turned to our boys. Young men, really.  But, they go way back.  All the way to preschool and through high school.  Legos, soccer, physics, video games.  So, we have known them longer as boys than young men.  Anyway...

I listened attentively to her stories of her son who is a sophomore at a college five or so hours away.  Since I didn't listen well before when moms were offering their stories on the subject, I moved to the edge of my seat to prepare to fully engage and store the information for later use.  What came out of her mouth next astonished me.  My jaw dropped.  My eyebrows arched.  You could hear the quick intake of my breath. She admitted to never having cried once since her son left.  Could it be?  I fantasized about the day when I wouldn't cry. Just one day.

After my initial thought of throwing my waterproof mascara at her, I reveled in having found the opposite swing to my pendulum.  How interesting that each of us walks this path so individually.  As parents, it is an inevitability to watch our children fly the nest.   The bittersweetness of helping your children grow up with confidence is that they want to move on with their lives.  We all simply respond to this event differently. Just like our kids.

So, this morning, I took a deep breath. Fumbling through my make-up bag, I pushed right past the waterproof stuff.  If my son can risk moving so far away, I can risk the possibility of runny mascara for a day.  So far, so good!