Wise Decisions

Anytime I am going to something where I know I am sure to get misty-eyed, I don waterproof mascara.  Weddings, funerals, dance shows, art exhibits, baby showers.  You name it.  My emotions spill.  Boy, has the college exodus put that mascara to the test.

This one particular brand of waterproof mascara has been very reliable and held up admirably to a variety of challenges.  Until now!   Under extreme conditions, it does not perform well at all. I had hoped it would.  But, no.

There was a time recently that I completely gave up on any mascara.  A temporary sacrifice but what a time-saver.  I considered the monetary savings and started to fantasize.  All that ended abruptly when folks would ask me, "How are you holding up with your beloved son 3,000 miles and 3 time zones away, living on a campus you did not even visit with him during the decision-making process?"  Now, I make time for mascara no matter what.  I even carry it with me for a quick "fresh-up".

That's what I did yesterday.  Ready to put my make-up on, I burst into tears.  I don't remember the thoughts that preceded the outburst.  It might have just been spontaneous.  Then, it was gone.  Dry-eyed, I proceeded to apply my social mask so my friend and I could take our girls shopping.  That was a true act of motherly love as mall shopping is something I do only as often as my semi-annual visit to the dentist.  I look forward to both with equal disdain but understand their necessity and shopping would definitely help stimulate the economy in a small, I-have-to-remember-Spring-tuition kind of way.

Getting to spend time with the girl + her friends and my friend was inviting regardless of the venue.  So, off on our adventure we all went.  Being a passenger was a welcomed position to be in as I shed my chauffeur's hat and nestled into the comfy seats.  My friend and I caught up quickly and easily.  Soon, the topic turned to our boys. Young men, really.  But, they go way back.  All the way to preschool and through high school.  Legos, soccer, physics, video games.  So, we have known them longer as boys than young men.  Anyway...

I listened attentively to her stories of her son who is a sophomore at a college five or so hours away.  Since I didn't listen well before when moms were offering their stories on the subject, I moved to the edge of my seat to prepare to fully engage and store the information for later use.  What came out of her mouth next astonished me.  My jaw dropped.  My eyebrows arched.  You could hear the quick intake of my breath. She admitted to never having cried once since her son left.  Could it be?  I fantasized about the day when I wouldn't cry. Just one day.

After my initial thought of throwing my waterproof mascara at her, I reveled in having found the opposite swing to my pendulum.  How interesting that each of us walks this path so individually.  As parents, it is an inevitability to watch our children fly the nest.   The bittersweetness of helping your children grow up with confidence is that they want to move on with their lives.  We all simply respond to this event differently. Just like our kids.

So, this morning, I took a deep breath. Fumbling through my make-up bag, I pushed right past the waterproof stuff.  If my son can risk moving so far away, I can risk the possibility of runny mascara for a day.  So far, so good!

Looking Back, Looking Forward- A Farewell Poem

Looking back, Looking forward

So many memories

Fill my heart, mind, and soul

With few regrets along the way

House, holidays, hollering, happenstance

Our meager home will always be your home

Trying to change the retail/UPS pattern of holiday dread

(A few traditions prevailed-Following the string to your stocking, hunting for your Easter basket, “Happy Birthday” banner)

Thank goodness grandma likes to cook and throw a party

Thinking back to all the times I could have been more patient

Wishing we had saved more money

It generally revolved wanting more for you

Gymnastics training and traveling to meets

Stellar, RSG, GCG… Mommy & Me, Compulsory, Optional

Soccer from the time you were four

Mighty Dolphins, Thunderbolts, Storm, Knights, Blues, Placer United, ODP, CDA

Some really good memories and friends

School volunteer and homework “hounder”

Bell Hill, GVCS, Nevada Union

(You didn’t need much of that really)

Friends who are treasures to me, too

You are a pretty good judge of character

Who can appreciate faulted people

That’s your compassionate, idealistic, loyal self

Chauffeuring many hours, many places

Once, bringing you right back home

Did I do enough?

Material possessions advertised on TV

Or what your friends had

In moderation- mostly, we had to

It’s an acceptable thing that life didn’t allow for more

You would definitely have been overindulged

Need vs. want

What is “having it all”?

iPods from most every generation

Clothes that you felt good in

The neatest and newest soccer gear that rocked the grocery budget

Travel to some states you now know you don’t need to go back to

More air miles than the rest of us

In ‘n Out- sometimes twice a week. 

Number 1, Animal-style, no tomato.

Extra spread, please

Did I give you enough?

Listening, or trying to, before interjecting

Talking on the way to school or training

These are precious times to me

Sorry for the times you were a captive audience and  it was not “pleasant”- aka “Time for a Tirade”

And, not, since we talked through problems together

Laughing at randomly and genuinely funny things

Questioning to gain understanding before I got p.o’ed

Supporting and pushing- a fine line

Reading to you when you were young, papers as you got older

Editing your fabulous writing

Guiding and guarding your precious spirit

Always wanting the best for you in a million ways

Non-wavering high expectations

Always here to support you

Was I there for you enough?

So proud of who you are

Perseverant from the start

(That almost got you kicked out of childcare)

Compassionate

Humble intelligence

Full of wonderful ideas

Your sense of humor is easy and deep

A natural ease that can be misconstrued as complacence

Did I compliment you enough?

Sending you out into the world

Missing you in the mundane, day-in, day-out stuff of life

Feeling the bitter sweetness of this moment

A soft place to land when the fall is hard

Did I love you enough?

Now

Looking forward

As more of a by-stander, spectator

Than is natural for me

Your life blossoms

Sweet and new and full

Breathe it all in

Let it fill you

Expand who you are to become

Live your best life

With few regrets

And lots of love

Pass it on!

Ninja Cat

Christian has a special relationship with our cat, Ollie.  In some way, they must match energetically.  Both male, sensitive to their surroundings, quick-witted, and lithe.  Perhaps it is a similarity in age.  Appreciative of a hug every once in a while.  Mostly, let them be to their own life adventures.

Yesterday was the first day since Christian left for school that Ollie and our Springer Spaniel, Roxy, played a game we call, "Ninja Cat".  It is rough and tumble, with Ollie jumping off of any available surface, twisting, turning, using the dog as a springboard.  Imagine The Matrix meeting the feline/canine world head-on. So funny to watch these two unlikely friends play so joyfully.

It will be interesting when Christian comes home for Christmas.  Everytime we Skype, we have him call to the pets (Have you ever realized that "pets" and "pest" have the same letters in them?).  Roxy perks up her ears and looks around, a bit confused.  Ollie, true to his cat-ness, turns his head in seeming disinterest and disdain.  I think he is listening and just plain mad at his buddy for leaving.

Relationships- moving, flowing, bouncing, rebounding, playful.  How very similar to Ninja Cat.

16 Weeks and Counting

Sure, it's been sixteen weeks.  A lifetime for some species that share our planet.  It certainly feels like a lifetime when the day in and day out mundane is missing.  Not the big events I can't even imagine sharing from afar (like Thanksgiving...erg!), just sitting on the couch watching a corny movie or driving to soccer training together 2 or 3 times a week.  That is what I miss the most, your physical presence.   Skype, texting, email, Facebook- all ways to feel connected.  Virtual hugs just don't do it! A panacea for the psyche.

The void doesn't always feel so abysmal.  My career is fulfilling and challenging and full of laughter.  Our younger daughter is still home, practicing stretching her wings.  Life's daily distractions.  The quiet time calls forth tears, flowing freely.  Gut-wrenching pain, at times.  Then, as swiftly as it comes on, it passes but is waiting right around the corner for the next quiet moment.

There have been wonderful visits.  Lovely visits getting to know his "new" friends and all.  Bittersweet, as the farewells loom from the start.  Too little time together.  Logically knowing it is the natural order of life.  Yet, grasping for just a moment or two longer.  Trying to stay present and appreciative.  An emotional ping pong match.

Perhaps I didn't pay attention to what other parents were saying as their children left home.  Rationalizing that it didn't apply to my life.  Man, I should have paid attention.  Would it hurt less now if I had tried to find understanding through others' stories?  Perhaps.  Yet, when they suggest it will get better, I still wonder?  When will it get easier?  Sixteen weeks and counting...